About
The Secret Lair comic ran from 2008-2013. It was illustrated by Natalie Metzger and written by various folks including Natalie Metzger, Chris Miller, Kris Johson, David Moore, and more!
P.S. Sorry for the cliffhanger. *shrug emoji*
P.P.S. Sorry for all the wonky bubbles and line tangents. I assure you I got better!
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From the Archives
Welcome to The Secret Lair. Visitors who wish to leave alive will wipe their feet on the mat before entering. By entering The Secret Lair, you are indicating that you have read and agree with our Terms of Entry and consent to having your memories altered and/or erased before leaving.1 Please place any weapons on the tray to your left before proceeding into the foyer. Failure to comply with this will result in total molecular disintegration as you pass through the threshold weapons scanners.2 Disabling or tampering with scanners is prohibited and will result in immediate termination. Please notify the medical droid if you are hemophiliac so special precautions can be taken during the blood and DNA screening processes. Entrance to temporal travelers, “mythical” creatures, other-dimensional beings and most aliens is restricted.3
Thank you for not smoking.
Now that we’ve got the technicalities out of the way, let me welcome you once again to The Secret Lair. As you may or may not be aware, we are presently somewhere in the vicinity of Cleveland, Ohio. I’m not going to divulge the exact location—we’re shielded from most satellite and cellular communications here, so even if we’d let you keep your fancy cell phone you wouldn’t be able to pinpoint our present latitude and longitude—not because I don’t trust you4, but because we’re still working a few glitches out of our memory alteration software and I can’t risk one of you remembering that little (but very critical) bit of information and contacting local or federal authorities.
Chris and I put a lot of hard work into the Lair, not to mention a lot of money. If you’ve ever watched a spy movie and wondered where the evil genius got the cash to build his luxurious, high-tech base and how he managed to get it constructed right under the noses of every goody-two-shoes on the block, I’ll let you in on a little secret: it’s a major pain in the ass. If you had to put up with all the headaches (bureaucratic and otherwise) involved with the construction of such a facility, you’d want to take out your frustrations on all of humanity, too. Dealing with the zoning commission alone has been nothing short of nightmarish; as a result, they’re right up at the top of our master list of people and organizations that will soon be crushed between our boot heels.
You might be thinking that one approach would be to simply disintegrate (or, for the pacifists among you, mind-wipe) all the various contractors, sub-contractors and bureaucrats once the work has been completed, thus eliminating the need to pay (or bribe) them. Believe me, we considered it. Unfortunately, the disintegrators we wanted were on back order and didn’t arrive until just last week. Plus, there’s only so long Joe Bricklayer will work without seeing a check and building a facility of this size isn’t something that’s done overnight. I’ve already mentioned the software glitch in our memory alterators, so to make a long story short, we had to keep mailing those checks.5
Labor aside, there’s also the matter of materials. Chris insisted on Makrana marble floors in most of the living quarters and “public” areas of the Lair6, so we had to import umpteen tons of the stuff from India; expensive, but totally worth it. The same goes for the coral we transplanted to our subterranean shark tank, to say nothing of the cost of capturing, transporting and keeping fifteen Great White sharks.7
We used the finest materials, hired only skilled craftsmen, and managed the entire project with strict quality control guidelines. With such exacting standards and high expectations come pricetags that approach astronomical. I say “approach”, because our original plan was to build The Secret Lair on the moon, and the estimate for terraforming the Sea of Tranquility8 alone was mind-boggling. Our Nigerian Finance Minister scams wouldn’t have even come close to covering the cost. Even on Earth, the project budget rivaled that of the entire United States military for 2005, 2006 and 20079 The result of our efforts and expenditures, if I may be immodest for a moment, is nothing short of astounding. It is our hope that The Secret Lair will be the creative space we need to produce entertaining podcasts through which we will subtly and subliminally subvert the thoughts and desires of the throngs who will be compelled (through our nefarious marketing schemes) to listen and, subsequently, to obey.
Please watch your step as you enter the main hall. The disintegrators weren’t calibrated properly when the cleaning crew arrived yesterday and there was a bit of a mix-up with the weapons scanner (which has almost certainly been resolved by now). The new cleaning crew will be on site shortly to clean up the mess. In the mean time, tread carefully; Makrana marble can be quite slippery when wet.
- Kris Johnson
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1. If you choose not to enter at this time, your memories will be altered and/or erased without your consent.
2. For obvious reasons, we classify any and all blood borne nanites as potential threats.
3. Refer to Section 51, Sub-section B, Paragraph 3 of the Terms of Entry for exceptions.
4. I don’t.
5. Until the job was complete, at which point we disintegrated everybody.
6. ”Dude,” Chris said, “it’s what the Taj Mahal is made of!”
7. Two words: budget overrun.
8. Yes, we would have renamed it.
9. In fact, that’s where we appropriated the bulk of our funds.
